All the President's Guys and Dolls II: Train is coming, Trump is tied to the tracks

Opinion: Columns

June 12th, 2018 12:43 PM

By Mary Kay O'Grady


It's been almost a year since I wrote my first column imagining the cast of a movie based on the Trump administration. A lot has changed — all for the worse — so here's an update with some new characters. I expect I'll be writing another update or two when the various trials start.

First, I have to say my favorite character has been Dr. Harold Bornstein, who issued a pre-election report that our fleshy President was in excellent health, and later, after letting it slip that Trump took hair-growth meds, had his office raided by Trump's henchmen. This role, though brief, requires Robert De Niro, gray pageboy hairdo and all.

The two most interesting characters at this point could not be more different: Robert Mueller and Michael Cohen. We're dying to know how much each man knows. Mueller's facial bone structure suggests Boris Karloff, who is long dead, but Karloff would have been perfect.

As for Michael Cohen, I worry about his being assassinated. He's always out and about, getting in and out of cabs, alone. This administration is so white-collar mobbed up, that I think it's entirely possible. Will the hit man be a Russian or someone hired by a construction outfit? Either way, I like an actor by the name of Bobby Cannavale, who's terrific and even looks like Cohen.

Another Michael, Michael Avenatti, is the lawyer for Stormy Daniels. He's polished, he's sharp, he's everywhere, he always has something up his sleeve, and he's carved out an improbably major role in this train wreck. I'm thinking Leonardo DiCaprio could shave his head for the role. As for Stormy Daniels, I'm sure Rudy Giuliani would accept the role, if offered. Other women who received hush money from Trump will undoubtedly be revealed, and it would be fun if Rudy played them all.

Speaking of Giuliani, the superb Nathan Lane, currently playing Trump's mentor Roy Cohn on Broadway in Angels in America, is perfect for Giuliani. Lane often plays broad comedy, bordering on farce, and I believe that's what Giuliani is bringing to this debacle.

Farce is the wheelhouse of Trump's older sons, Donald Jr. and Eric. Mark Wahlberg and Ryan Gosling could tear it up as the two brothers. Guns and buffoonery for days.

The media is already playing a huge part and will continue to do so. (By the way, we seem to be getting plenty of intelligent analysis even without the "gravitas" of Charlie Rose). I'm a huge fan of The Beat with Ari Melber, and, in fact, it is becoming very influential in the coverage. Ari has some of the best regulars, in silken Maya Wiley and the gruff Richard Painter, and assorted rap artists doing political commentary and comedy. I'd cast Halle Berry as Maya Wiley and George Clooney as Richard Painter.

Lest I ignore Fox and its faithful, Steve Carell would be a terrific Sean Hannity, and Tina Fey is a lock for Judge Jeanine Pirro.

I haven't forgotten Kim Jong Un, but regrettably, I am not familiar enough with Korean actors to suggest one. However, our President has his sights set on the Nobel Peace Prize for meeting with Kim about nuclear disarmament. What would happen if Kim won it instead? 

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  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: August 21st, 2018 7:56 PM

    My sincere sympathy for Ray. I lost my wife six years ago Oct. 2. He's still wrong about Trump.

  • Michael Nevins (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: August 21st, 2018 7:48 PM

    FWIW, I believe that there's a reason why Ray Simpson has not recently commented on this site:

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: August 21st, 2018 4:22 PM

    How are my talking points looking now, Ray? Or have you despaired of watching all the bad news for your boy on TV?

  • Bruce Kline (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 23rd, 2018 8:11 PM

    Jim: Make it 100. His father lived to age 94.

  • Jim Coughlin (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 23rd, 2018 7:07 PM

    Trump could live to be 200! Bruce, I forgot about that stunningly bizarre pronouncement from the White House physician. He is obviously quite portly but not our fattest president and will likely never get stuck in the bathtub as happened to William Howard Taft. The healthier diet that has worked for Louie Anderson probably does not include any of the junk food fueling 45. I'm sure Donny would be aghast at the idea of Louie portraying him on big screen but I see it as a casting coup.

  • Bruce Kline (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 22nd, 2018 11:01 PM

    Jim. Louie would be a good Donald. No doubt. But in terms of comparative BMI you are way off. Try and stick to medical facts ... even if your intense dislike of Mr. Trump makes it hard. Mr. Trump is not morbidly obese now or ever - at least given his publicly published height and weight: 6'3" and 239 lbs. (and previously published old photographs). He is "overweight". And even if he is quite a bit heavier than what has been published, qualifying him for "obese", it's still a far cry from the serious medical condition of "morbid obesity" - BMI 40, typically 100 pounds above ideal body weight. Morbid obesity is a serious health limiting condition which by all objective evidence, Mr. Trump - as apposed to Louie Anderson - does not (and likely never did) have.

  • Jim Coughlin (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 22nd, 2018 10:17 PM

    Louis Anderson is Donald Trump! That's the casting choice I would make. Both men have BMI issues that classify them as morbidly obese though Louie has recently dropped 90+ pounds. Anderson is an Emmy award actor and could look like 45 without much effort. Trump has a fondness for heavy makeup that would be easy to match and probably be more convincingly than Anthony Hopkins relied on for his portrayal of Nixon. The hairdo might be tricky but Hollywood stylists handled aging Brad Pitt for his role in Benjamin Button. How about "Brad Pitt is Mike Pence!" That could really mean boffo box office.

  • Ray Simpson (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 22nd, 2018 3:42 PM

    @ Dwyer - you state nothing but DNC talking points and accusations that have proven to be lies. You have been challenged to provide verifiable examples of your slanderous accusations, yet, all you come up with is personal insults. Example: "flip on him in order to avoid financial and personal ruin." boy that is a game plan all Americans can be proud of! Dossier - paid for by DNC/HRC, British MI5 author fired by FBI for dishonesty, Gen Flynn pleas to minor charge to avoid his son being sent to financial ruin, 13 Russian companies whose indictment will probably be withdrawn because they were charged with little or no evidence. No Mr. Dwyer you are riding a paper tiger.

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 22nd, 2018 1:55 AM

    I don't "put up or shut up," Simpson. I state facts. And the fact is, what's going to bring down your hero is testimony from key members of Trump's inner circle, who are either indicted or soon to be indicted. And that testimony will corroborate (hope that's not to "big" a word for you) what Christopher Steele reported in his dossier. Your hero's former campaign chairman is incarcerated awaiting TWO criminal trials, and your hero's personal lawyer is about to flip on him in order to avoid financial and personal ruin. Make of that what you will.

  • Bruce Kline (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 21st, 2018 11:25 PM

    Alex: In regard to satire. It's really hard to pull off well. Every time I have written a satiric piece it has been taken literally much to my chagrin. Once I had a letter in the WSJ which was meant to be satiric but was not read as such. The letter as read literally - rather than satirically as intended - made me appear an idiot. And the posted comments reflected as much. I was not only chagrined but hugely embarrassed, as you might guess. Maybe that's the problem with all these posts in the WJ. My respect of J Swift, who I have had not revisited since high school has increased immeasurably.

  • Ray Simpson (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 21st, 2018 5:24 PM

    Once again DWYER chooses to ignore the Put up or shut up" challenge to back up his list of "smart people" words designed to destroy the president with examples and proof. For months Dwyer assured us that the phony dossier was going to end President Trump's term in office. I enjoy rubbing his nose in the truth he was incapable of seeing. His inability to see the facts may be an indication of why the newspaper industry has fallen on hard times.

  • Alex Garcia (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 21st, 2018 3:11 PM

    Leftists: You seem to believe that you're somehow paragons of satire; that anyone else is incapable of your alleged mastery of the art. Yet, you continuously flood us with this stuff. Did it ever occur to you that echo-chamber comedy may play ok in hyper-partisan Daily Show or SNL closed circles where the audience is already in on the "joke" and laughter is intended to serve merely as reinforcement of the party's talking points; but that it really doesn't click with anyone else?

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 21st, 2018 1:10 AM

    Well golly gee, Ray.That dossier sure takes up, as Richard would put it, a lot of space inside your head. As anyone who's followed the news even a little bit now knows, the dossier didn't trigger that investigation that is causing your boy so much trouble. And I won't bother answering your question, since, again, if you';d bothered to follow any actual news coverage, you'd know the basis for my accusations against Trump. Thing is, I don't think you want to know.

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 20th, 2018 1:10 PM

    Why, right you are Richard. Our country being sold down the river by a narcissistic, sociopathic, authoritarian liar who foments and enables systemic assaults on our Constitution tends to take up a lot of space in my head. .

  • Richard Stephen (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 20th, 2018 6:49 AM

    @Bill Dwyer: I didn't say it offended me. I said it was weird. And I will add, very juvenile. I wonder how much Trump is paying you to rent the inside of your head. He seems to take up an awful lot of space in there!

  • Ray Simpson (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 20th, 2018 6:15 AM

    @ Richard - that's an easy question! The editors "Trump Derangement Syndrome" is greater than that of Ms O'Grady.

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 20th, 2018 1:22 AM

    Maybe, Richard, you should be less concerned about how a satirical commentary "got by the editors" and more concerned by how a grotesque buffoon like Trump got by the voters. Ms. O'Grady's pen, as much as it offends you, didn't cause terrified little children to be separated from their parents and locked up in holding cells.

  • Ray Simpson (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 19th, 2018 8:22 PM

    @ Mike Hanline - not by me! If you check back you will find that I faulted his policies and the people who he appointed but always honored the office and tried to keep a proper respect.

  • Richard Stephen (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 19th, 2018 7:40 PM

    I don't believe I've ever read a more warped little fantasy on the WJ website before. This is downright weird. Not even remotely funny. How'd this get past the editors?

  • Mike Hanline (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 19th, 2018 2:22 PM

    I'm sure Ray was just as upset by all the vitriol, racist and otherwise, that was heaped upon Obama. Right, Ray?

  • Bill Dwyer (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 19th, 2018 12:47 PM

    " Hate filled insults." THat's just precious. So ironic - or maybe the word is pathetic - how Trumpies feel hatred all around them but never acknowledge the hate that spews from their hero.

  • Ray Simpson (Facebook Verified)

    Posted: June 12th, 2018 4:18 PM

    Political satire is pointed and sharp, this column is just plain hate filled insults. Ms O'Grady probably has one of those silly "Hate has no home . . . " signs on her front lawn and if she has any sense of honesty she sleeps in the garage.

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